Celebrity Roommate Court Opening Statements (Part 2)

May 20th, 2010 by Autumnn Darden| Posted in Apartment Life 2.0, Roommate Court | No Comments »

Roommate Court is now in session! Please refer to the introductory Roommate Court with Judge Reinhold article to get background information on this afternoon’s proceedings. For the click averse, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are roommates and the latter is accused of the calculated and premeditated stealing of a romantic interest.

Judge Reinhold: Ms. Aniston it would please the court if you could kindly tell us what the big deal is.

Jennifer Anniston: WELL, your honor, about a month ago, I was out with my roommate, Ms. Jolie, when I told her specifically, you see that handsome man with the moustache tending bar over there, well I have kind of been talking to him and things are progressing, but I am playing the long range circumstantial game, because you know, I don’t want really want to a) be the cliché of the girl who hits on the bartender or b)have to relive a blatant rejection every time I want to go get a drink. In bringing this circumstance up, I sought to inform her of my intent to confide in a friend and roommate of a personal development, not to dissuade her of pursuing. Because we WERE friends.

Judge Reinhold: And Ms. Jolie, the reason you secretly decided that you would use this kernel of information in order to make your friend and roommate an unknowing wingwoman so that you could swoop in and steal Brad Pitt is because you have no soul or because your self esteem is proportional to the amount of men who find you attractive?

Angelina Jolie: Isn’t the judging supposed to happen after my statements? Anyway, yes, I was aware of my roommate’s attraction to the Brad Pitt in question. I mean, c’mon, have you seen that moustache? However, I also was very aware of Brad Pitt’s undeniable attraction to me, which I did not pursue for 3 weeks, while Ms. Aniston’s ‘long range circumstantial game’ produced nary a result. And then one night…

Judge Reinhold: Ms. Jolie, this is a courtroom not a Penthouse forum! Stenographer, please assume in the court record that “and then one night…” ends how we all assume it ends. So you do in fact, admit to committing first degree man stealing (premeditated), yet you believe that you were not wrong in doing so. Please continue your transparent tale of how you rationalize your selfish instinct whilst your morals take a backseat.

Angelina Jolie: I argue that I did not, in fact swoop in and steal that man, rather I allowed hotstuff bartender Brad Pitt to do as he pleased. Obviously my roommate’s cautious plan had not had much of an effect and try as I might to avoid getting tangled into such a triangle, who am I to decide for Brad Pitt who he can and cannot be attracted to. Ms. Aniston cannot just call dibs on someone as if they were shotgun in a car or the last pretzel, for that would be unfair to the person to exactly the person for whom they profess to care.

Jennifer Aniston: Are you really so desperate that you would take anyone, even the person who you know will hurt your friends feelings and ruin your home life? Furthermore, it’s not exactly as if this is the only one for you, since every hotstuff dude that walks by gets a pouty look from those smoky wizard eyes. I was the one who first met him and told you I liked him.

Judge Reinhold: Alright ladies, let’s take a recess for the day before this post gets too long. When we begin tomorrow we will discuss the legitimacy of two issues: a) Ms. Aniston’s right of first refusal and b) Ms. Jolie’s argument on that right’s statute of limitations.

We’ll be back tomorrow for more Celebrity Roommate Court!